It will be a wonder if anyone makes it to the end of this post, and a minor miracle if it makes any sense lol. I suggest large amounts of coffee.
I have been musing about something for a while...
Specifically why doing something that I really don't want to do and don't enjoy just because he says do it, makes me want that thing in a whole different way.
I swear I'm not trying to be obtuse and I know that my phrasing leaves something to be desired lol.
So I'll try again.
I can be turned on by him doing things I genuinely do not like--just because I don't actually like it and he does it anyways.
I think it has to do with control--because I don't like it, I am clearly not in control.
He very clearly is in control because I don't like it and he does it anyways.
Sometimes, when he's doing something to me, I am so done.
I just want it to stop. But he keeps going.
Then I start to think about it.
And I need him to keep going simply because I know I can't stop him even though I want to.
In those moments, when the realization hits me that "no" won't change a thing, the surrender becomes only for him.
That is when I need it. No matter how badly I don't want it.
He has this fantasy...And logically, I don't like it--at all. Thinking about it brings out all the worst parts of me lol. Submissive who? I buried her in the backyard...Right where I plan on burying that other girl...
Yet he has made me get off on it more than once. And I do because it is so clearly not what I want, that the fact he might make me do it anyways makes me melt.
I think that it takes a great deal of trust to accept this feeling. Because some things aren't wanted for a very good reason. And if he didn't know me so well, or really didn't give a crap, we could easily end up in a very bad place.
So it's a fine line made all the more delicious to walk upon for its tenuous balance.
But it is in giving up control that I receive the control I most need.
Of course, there are also many times he chooses not to do what I don't want or to do what I do want. And I am deeply grateful...
I do strive for clarity and understanding when I write. This time I'm not sure that I even came close lol.
Though it is scary and it is hot--that sometimes I like things just because I don't.